Did I ever tell you the one about when I died? Oh, I didn’t? Well, let me tell you the one about when I died.
‘Lights and sirens’ screamed the paramedic to the driver. The faded sounds of sirens and the gravitational shift in the vehicle that had just abruptly accelerated were the last things I remember, except for a brief second of a memory when a doctor was shining a light into my pupils as he lifted my eyelids.
The next memory was not a light, but an enormous amount of energy that if viewed in our world would look light a light, in a place, that if viewed in our world would look something like the darkness of the deepest caves. Vision doesn’t exist in this place. It’s like the deepest depths of the ocean where light is not allowed, no gravity either, its endless movements of incalculable speeds in any direction, or all at once. No need for ears, because there is no noise to hear, infinite deafness in infinite directions. Taste and touch don’t even enter the equation. Peace exists in this place like it will never exist on earth, nor ever had. Its like the earth it’s self is just an idea of a place compared to this place. Consciousness is the only thing that survives here, and can be turned in to whatever it wants, but doesn’t need to, because this place is the most unconscionable place to be. So if that makes any sense to you at all, then you will know that there are no words that I can write here that will even remotely help you understand. You just have to understand the feeling of what it might possibly feel like to be in that place for a few brief minutes of what we think of as time.
Days, weeks, months and millennia all passed at once. The unquestionable understanding of where I was, was so intimately clear that it was perfect. The body lying on the hospital operating table was no longer mine, I had no need for it, it had served its purpose, but somehow I still carry it around with me. I sometimes wonder why, but then I just smile, and bask in the sunlight of existence, knowing that my chance will come to get back there. It sometimes makes it hard to be here, thinking that I could be there, but somehow I get the feeling that it may not be the same if the decision is made with a swayed mind. The affirming thing about the whole experience is that if a place like that can exist, then other places can also exist, and if there is yin and yang in this place, then there is yin and yang in every place, and that the balance of energy could be upset if pushed from any one direction… but I digress, where was I?
Oh that’s right… Trying to describe the indescribable. Energy just kind of moved about, at differing strengths and speed, somewhat like I imagine electrical currents do so. Calm, powerful energy stifled mine as I slowly became aware of it. (I use the word ‘mine’ there but feel like I need to explain that I do not use it as a sense of ownership, but as a justification of a separation of energy presence.)
Feelings still existed, maybe not all of them but definitely some of them, but maybe all of them, but then again, is there a value of the total sum. I remember a calm so serene that the deepest of sleep states would feel like the roughest of oceans, and a contentment that only masters of Zen Buddhism could imagine.
Then there was utter noise and chaos and artificial light and an empty room with a curtain and beeping, constant beeping. Then I wasn’t sure whether it was all a dream. I spent months trying to comprehend it all, to decipher dreams from reality. Did my conscious state really move inter-dimensionally? Or was it just a dream? What if, at the end of the day, I say it doesn’t matter? It doesn’t matter whether it did, or it didn’t, because either way I still had the same experience. If I want to believe it did, then it did, and you can make of it what you will, with what miniscule amount of understanding you can put together from the miniscule amount of information.
And those who say they see a light when they are dying are just telling the truth. A doctor’s torch is offensively overpowering when forcibly shined directly in to the semiconscious pupil.